Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
