I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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