i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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