So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
