You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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