I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
