He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
