Who wears a wallet chain?!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize