Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
