Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
