I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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