I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
