yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
