don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
