You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
