dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
