I just pynch a tree in the face
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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