you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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