Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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