conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
