thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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