highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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