you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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