dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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