dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Apparently you make a good broom.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
