Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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