You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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