I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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