Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
