You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
