Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
