I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
