Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
