i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
