I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
