If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
