Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
