if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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