By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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