Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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