You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
