he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
