I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
