I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
