Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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