well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize