The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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