I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
