I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
