I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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