so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
