i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
