i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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