Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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