When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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