I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
