Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
