1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
