just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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