if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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