She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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