I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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