All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
