Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
