the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
