she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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